Depression Fallout The Impact of Depression on Couples
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What happens to love when a partner is depressed?
Is your partner’s depression undermining your happiness as a couple? After blaming yourself, losing your self-esteem, and getting angry, you may feel like walking away — even if you’re still in love.
With 19 million Americans suffering from depression, you are not alone in your unhappiness. And no one knows what you’re going through better than Anne Sheffield, who coined the phrase depression fallout in her first book, How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed, to describe the emotional toll of depression on spouses, parents, lovers, and children.Sharing essential information, compassion, and street-smart advice, Anne Sheffield tells you:
- What you need to know about your partner’s mental health and what to do about it … for your own well-being.
- What experiences, behaviors, and feelings are normal when dealing with depressive illness.
- How to overcome your sense of helplessness and take charge of your life.
- Ways to restore your optimism, peace of mind, and sense of humor.
- Where to find a community of peers to offer ongoing support.
Don’t give up. Reach out.
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I read it too late ….. so you must act now !
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
I didn’t purchase this book until my depressed ex abruptly broke up with me. I was so hurt, living in a hell, until I read this book. It helped me to understand what is in the depressive’s mind, and why the relationship always gone sour. There are many examples and cases to let you know how others in your situation deal with their own problem. A lot of times it is just like reading my (our) story.
However, I read it too late, my ex had already broke up with me and then stop trusting the doctor and stop taking medication after this session ended. No matter how hard to I tried, to help him and to control myself, I still end up with being rejected. Guess we had passed the point of no return and he doesn’t want us back.
So please!! Read this book as soon as you discover or suspect your love one is suffering from depression! Save yourself and save your depressed love one!
Great advice, but no commitment to marriage
Rating:4 out of 5 stars
When my wife relapsed into depression, I knew what it was because of our previous experience. But I was surprised at how unprepared I was to respond to her. I found myself sinking into my own depression.
When I went to a psychologist to get advice on how to draw her out and get her to a doctor, I found little help. All his “exercises” for dealing with depression were aimed at working WITH the depressed person, AFTER they recognize their need for help. But he offered little help in the process of convincing the depressed spouse that they have a problem and need to see a doctor in the first place.
This book was a breath of fresh air. It helped me understand what is going on inside my wife’s head, and why she reacts to me the way she does. It also helped me to understand how I can gently nudge her in the direction of getting help.
My biggest disappointment with this book is its cavalier attitude towards marriage. Marriage is treated as nothing more than a live-in relationship with some extra legal paperwork involved. The decision to “leave” or “stay” with your depressed spouse is treated as an abstract decision. If you are committed to your marriage, you should skip the chapters that deal with “mending or breaking” the bond.
Revised and final review-this book has helped me.
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
I am reviewing this book:this is a final,revised review:I have found that yes,it has helped me so much. Anne’s sensitively and compassionate book,have a lot to say on the subject of depression fallout. I am writing this review,in order to correct some rather hasty and poor judgements of both Anne,and members (including Lisa) of the board,”Depression Fallout”. I ask forgiveness for my harsh words. Being not only a diabetic,a depression fallout sufferer who has suffered unending pain and trauma,over 15 years (since my father’s death) along with extreme bereavement trauma. My only constructive critique of Anne’s book:has to do with this aspect of depression fallout:my situation is different from others. Living with my mother,(crippled by not merely depression,but arthritus,and extreme bereavement trauma) I have to try to live with and through my own depression,plus my depression fallout-the board has been there for me,and I am truly thankful. If in her future books,the aspect of depression fallout,along with family ill health,being the son and brother of depressives,along with bereavement trauma which affects this even more/worse,if this subject were to be discussed,it might help those like myself,who are living through fire. I hope that when this final and newly revised review appears,that it will help people. Thank you,Anne,and Thank You:Goldenheart. Marc Bernstein.
Goldenheart
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
For those of us who experience depression, understanding how it affects those that we love is imparative. Separating “it” from their character and not taking things personnaly as your self esteem is pummeled is not easy. With the education from Anne’s books and the support of her message board, i don’t think i could have survived. visit http://www.depressionfallout.com better yet, buy the book. i have re-read her books several times and learn something new each time.
helped me seperate the depression from my husband
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
My husband got depression completely out of the blue a couple of years ago. He is 28 and we have been together for 7 years. Although I knew he ‘had depression’ it wasnt until reading this book that I really understood just how much of my husband’s life and personality was affected by the disease. Reading this book helped me realise when it was the depression talking and how my husband was thinking. At the time, my husband had got into the routine of telling me I should leave him becasue he was worthless etc. It was breaking my heart. I was relieved and shocked to read about this exact scenario in Depression Fallout. Anne Sheffield has wriiten a remarkable book that will help the non-depressed spouse to understand what depression is doing, how not to take things so personally and how to communicate with the depressed partner in order to bring about change. It doesnt give false hope and isnt all doom and gloom either. This book really changed my life and has helped me to help my husband as well as myself. He is now well on the way to recovery and I really feel that this is in part due to my renewed understanding of his condition.
A great help
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
I bought this book for my father when my mother was going through a long bout of depression about 2-3 years ago. I could tell the situation was wearing on him and I thought from reading the reviews of this book that it would help him. He was skeptical at first but realized I had been through a similiar circumstance and decided it couldn’t hurt to read it. He was astounded at how similiar all the stories and stuggles were to his. He said it helped him so much and made him feel better about himself and the situation. I could see the difference in him after he read it, it was a sense of relief that he was not alone. Now he has a friend who is going through the same thing with his wife and he just gave him the book. He told him it would certainly help him.
A sign of a helpful, informative book is one that gets passed along to others in need. This is defintely one of those books.
Depression Fallout
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
This book probably saved my husband’s life, our marriage and definitely my sanity.
by the time I got this book I was in stage 5 of the fallout from my husband’s depression. I was going to end the marriage. Then I picked up this book and it has changed our life. I realized that I was doing most everything wrong and exacerbating the situation. I so strongly recommend this book to any significant other who is trying to cope with a loved one’s depression. I has been a godsend.
Depression Fallout
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond
This book was an amazing discovery for me. It not only gives me the affirmation that I am not being selfish considering my well being, but the tools for making things better in my life. Living with a spouse that has suffered from depression for over two years, has not been an easy road to travel. The book is highly recommended by many therapists and readers alike.
Floundering for help? There’s no better book!
Rating:4 out of 5 stars
Had been chompin’ at the bit waiting, waiting for the new book. My depressed loved one is worse than ever and so is my reaction to it/him, so I’ve been anxious to read Anne’s newest. I shot out within the hour after the bookstore called and tucked away an entire day to delve into it and did - kivver to kivver. It’s another godsend. She nails this depressive business like no one else I’ve run across. I’m not her publicist, I swear. That said, go fast to find the book.
Anne, if you’re out there, I can’t sing praises high enough for what you’re accomplishing. So many of us are obviously finding comfort in your fallout initiative. You’ve overcome so much personally, and have given even more. Besides being helped by the wisdom of what you write, I am bolstered with hope that my partner, so totally unfunctional now, will someday manage wellness and even a comeback.
Anne Sheffield has done it again!!
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
It seems that society forgets that depression not only has a major impact on the depressed person, but it also affects their family, significant others, and friends. This book, as well as Anne’s other book, “How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed: Living and Coping With Depression Fallout,” are extremely helpful to those who love someone who is depressed. Many times we blame ourselves for our loved-ones’ behaviors when, instead, many of the things they say and do are a result of their depression. “Depression Fallout…” helps the reader to better understand depression and how to deal with his or her own behaviors in response to the depressed loved-one. As the reader reads the stories shared by men and women who have loved a depressed person, the reader will see that he/she is not alone in what they are experiencing.
A must read for those loving a depressed person
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
Annes book on dealing with your depressed significant other is mandatory reading in learning to deal with them, and your own emotions. She uses real life cases to illustrate how living with someone who is suffering depression can effect yourself. Her guidelines on how to deal with the one you love are effective and concise. And the sections on how to take care of your own needs and emotions are a God send for those that find themselves in the turmoil of loving and living with someone that exhibits the many faces of depression.
wonderfully written
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
Having read the book, I was immensly relieved to find that what I had been living through was not an isolated case. Annes book described so many aspects of my life perfectly and helped me realize that I was not alone in this. It is wonderfully written and organized, very easy to follow and understand. I believe it is a “must read” for anyone living with a depressed partner.
Thank You Anne.
Psychologist recommends
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
An important book I will be immediately recommending.
I have always included the topic of the effects of depression on relationships, marriages, and families when I give talks on depression, but you seldom find the topic addressed at length. Finally, someone has given it the attention it needs.
Author Anne Sheffield, who grew up with a depressed mother and has suffered from depression herself (and who acknowledges she has inflicted that suffering onto her relationships), knows her subject and it shows.
Her knowledge has grown via the thousands of visitors to her website message board (www.depressionfallout.com) who write of their struggles and lessons from being the partner of someone depressed. A post on this message board prompted and grew into this book.
Depression Fallout helps you understand what depression looks and feels like from the sufferer’s viewpoint as well as from their partner’s (and their children’s) perspective.
People who are depressed have similarities. They tend to devalue themselves and their relationships. They erode bonds by their self centered, pessimistic, and irritable tendencies. Their depression confuses them - one day they don’t know what they feel, the next day they need you, and the following day they’ve decided they never loved you to begin with.
Depression fallout is what happens to you if you’re on the receiving end of this illness. You probably move through stages of confusion, self-blame, demoralization, resentment, and a longing to be free of your partner and their depression.
If this is you, please read the book. You’ll find stories to bolster your sagging self esteem and you’ll learn ways to handle your communication with your partner. There’s an excellent section on psychotherapy and medication (her section on meds includes some very specific and up-to-date info).
Once you’ve read the book, get into counseling if you’re not already.
Finally, go check out the posts on her message board (www.depressionfallout.com) for some friendly support and understanding. You’ll even find a few laughs - click on the postings of jokes, there are some good ones!
An honest book
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
It is an amazing concept, to realize there is a messageboard somewhere in cyberspace populated with people like me, not just people who love a depressed partner, but people who suffer the confusion, the hope, the anger, the torment, and the surreality of it all. Even more amazing is this book: Anne has packed a huge body of folk knowledge and professional knowledge into these pages, both from the messageboard the book was based on and from psychiatrists and the mental health community. And that’s what really made this book ring true for me; in reading what other wives and husbands were going through, in their own words, I was suddenly able to believe that I was not alone. I’ve spent so much time telling my partner that he is not alone, that millions of people suffer from depression. It never occurred to me that I must, therefore, also not be alone; there must also be other people who are struggling to lead good lives in spite of trying to love a depressive.
Anne’s book offers a lot of practical suggestions about how you can do both: be fair and loving to your partner and also genuinely enjoy your own life. She doesn’t sugarcoat it, and by being honest, she shows you how there is a way through, that by using your basic sense of fair play and a respect for your own well-being, you can once again create a world that makes sense.
Without even telling my partner I’ve read this book, I have changed some of my interaction with him for the better, and I can see it having a positive effect not only on me, but on him. I am looking forward to future improvements, as I implement and practice more of Anne’s advice.
Wise, practical, and real!
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
This is a wonderful book. I’ve recommended it to many people who are trying to love and live with someone with depression–a truly difficult task. Sheffield is a terrific writer, her style is easy and engaging, and she has a wealth of practical advice to offer. Her stories of people who’ve talked to her about this problem are sure to strike a chord in the reader. She is addressing a very serious problem, because people with depression will often do everything they can to alienate those who love them, thus adding more guilt and more trouble to their already out-of-control lives.
Extraordinary read!
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
As one who has been or is suffering from the fallout of depression, I can say without a doubt this is the best book I have read and I’ve read quite a few. It involves not only the depressed person, but speaks to the loved ones who are in agony and turmoil right along with the depressed person. I have read this book more than once and go back to various chapters from time to time. I most highly recommend this book to anyone who thinks they are a victim of “depression fallout”!
Unbelievably Misguided
Rating:1 out of 5 stars
I purchased this book for my husband who over the course of our marriage has experienced the challenges and set backs of my depression. I was not depressed when we married and was not aware of the numerous family members who suffer from depression because it wasn’t talked about. I read the book first and find it difficult to believe that someone who claims to suffer from depression could have written it. This book seems much more accusatory and places a great deal of blame on the depressed person without any sign of empathy at all.
Depression is not a choice. It is a debilitating illness. The stigma of depression needs to be removed so that families like mine and millions of others are not ashamed to talk about it. I am not ashamed of my depression because I know it is not my fault but many people are and that keeps them from getting the help they need.
It is difficult for any person to live with someone who is depressed and I admire those who do. But the accusations and criticisms made in this book lead me to believe the author has unresolved anger toward that person in her life that was depressed. I think this book is terribly misguided and will unfortunately do more harm than good. I believe there must be better, more objective references out there for the spouses and loved ones of those suffering from depression.
Wonderful
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
This book is a godsend. I thought I was having a breakdown until I read this book. I learned that my symptoms were being caused by the depressed person in my life. This book explains how your depression fallout mirrors the depressed person’s own illness. You get dragged along for the ride (so to speak). If you are having difficulty in a relationship due to depression, you must read this book.
A book devoted to the other half
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
Anne’s books have been so helpful to me. I wish I had found them years ago. This book in particular is so important because it addresses the dynamics of the relationship between couples. It gives wonderful advice about how to help your loved one cope with the illness, as well as how to help yourself. It is honest, heartfelt, supportive and very realistic. If you are married or in a committed relationship with someone who is depressed (or even if you THINK they are), GET THIS BOOK!
Dealing With Someone With Depression? - BUY THIS BOOK NOW!
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
I can’t say enough about this book, other than if you are dealing with someone suffering from depression - BUY THIS BOOK NOW!
By reading this book, I was provided with great support as it gives real life examples of sufferers of depression fallout (which are the individuals dealing with a depressed person). Also, I found that I got a great understanding of what the depressed persons thoughts are - from real life examples from a depressed person. I actually gasped when I read one page, as it described what one depressed person thoughts were that were similar to what my depressed boyfriend tried to convey to me. Unfortunately, his words weren’t as clear and concise as it was written in the book.
So many books out there describe depression as it relates to the depressed person, but doesn’t really focus on individuals dealing with the depressed person. This book does just that and provides great support for anyone “dealing” with a depressed person.
Depression Fallout
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
The book is more than excellent; it is necessary to read if you are married to a depressed spouse. There is no way to understand the course of this illness on your own. Anne Sheffield has a firm grip on the typical behaviors and the normal responses from the depressed spouse and those to whom they are married. Before you read this book, you are likely to be confused and angry. After Anne’s book, you will understand the emotions created by this illness; you are likely to put some of your anger aside when you realize the genesis of various feelings. Anne cannot fix anyone’s life, but she can help you to make decisions that will put a relationship back on a positive course. If you are married to a depressed person, you need to read this book.
Eye opener
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
This book was an eye opener for me. My spouse was dealing with depression, I was dealing with the fallout, and thought I was the only person in the world having this experience. It never occurred to me that I was experiencing what many others were also going through. It never occurred to me that depression could take its toll on the entire family, not just the depressed. I stumbled onto “Depression Fallout” website purely by chance, and after reading the information there and reading so many of the posts on the Message Board I knew I’d found the support I needed. Once I started reading the book, I could not put it down. Anne described my emotions and situation to a T. Everything I felt and thought while going through this experience was recounted in her book and I felt as if she were telling my particular story. Ms. Sheffield was able to capture the true effects of depression from her own experiences and from the experiences of other fallout sufferers. She gave me tools and strategies to use while coping with my depressed spouse, and laid it out in plain-spoken format.This is a MUST read for anyone living with a depressed partner, and even for those with depressed persons in their family.
Good for a “caretaker” spouse. Vagus nerve stimulation offers new hope
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
This book was very helpful in guiding me with how to deal with my depressed husband. There is a new therapy approved by the FDA in August of 2005: vagus nerve stimulation. I read the book “out of the Black Hole: The Patient’s Guide to Vagus Nerve Stimulation and Depression”:. The author’s depression was practically identical to my husband’s. I hope and pray that this new treatment will save our marriage.
Amazing, calming resource
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
I wish I had read this book a long time ago, when my boyfriend’s depression started. The information is pertinent and it gives tangible advice on what tp do for yourself and your depressed partner.
The Key to Understanding Your Loved One’s Depression
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
This book was exactly what I needed to help me understand my husband’s depression. My world was turned upside down when he suddenly began to act like a different person. After his hospitalization, I was left wondering what happened. Upon looking up depression on tons of websites and in loads of books, I was convinced he had been misdiagnosed. The “sad, empty, lonely” description didn’t explain the hostile, angry, and seemingly emotionless person I was now living with. All of that was explained in Depression Fallout. The “Unofficial Symptoms” in the book described my husband’s behavior to a T. I felt like I was reading about us. My husband also agreed that this book contained the most accurate description of the way he felt, but could not easily put into words. The real life accounts of people who have lived with and are still living with this are great. It creates a true picture of depression from the point of view of both the depressed person as well as their spouse.
This book hits the mark!
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
I was looking specifically for a relationship book on how to deal with depression. This book specifically targets marriages when one partner is depressed. It hits the mark perfectly! I wish I had read the book as soon as I suspected my husband was depressed. it would have saved months of fighting and misunderstandings. It offers practical advice for real life situations. A must read manual for getting through the worst.
HOPE FOR THE HEARTBROKEN
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
There’s loads of books about depression for the depressed. But what about the families of the depressed? What about the spouses of the depressed? Anne Sheffield has supplied us with a new book that begins to explain for us what’s happening. She talks about the five stages of “depression fallout” which is her term for what the spouses of depressed people face. The key concept here (and there are a lot of valuable concepts) is that depression is a family problem. When one of us is suffering from depression all of us will be suffering along with our loved one. The more you know about depression the better off you’ll be and DEPRESSION FALLOUT goes a long way towards telling you what it is you’re facing. I heartily recommend this book for all spouses and families of the depressed. …
Waste of Money
Rating:1 out of 5 stars
I bought this because after a lot of research I was pretty sure my bf was depressed. I am a very thorough, analytical person so I need logic, facts and a framework. This book is simply a collection of stories found on the author’s website. There is no analysis or basis for any of the conclusion or recommendations provided. I guess this book is good if you just want a collection of stories from people who have been in relationships with depressed people (which btw you can also get for free from visiting various websites); but if you want a well thought out, analytical and well researched guide by a qualified counselor this isn’t it. I bought about 5 different books on depression / anxiety all of which were great, well researched books by qualified professionals. This was the only lemon– I spent about 10 minutes thumbing through it and am going to chuck it.
Also be careful of the ripoff shipping charge of $12.19 vs book cost of $11.86!!! when you place your order it just indicates that the book will be separately shipped but not the cost. then you get whacked with said shipping cost!! i thought the book must have been huge or heavy but nope. just your typical paperback!
Someone’s going to be saved
Rating:4 out of 5 stars
I bought this book hoping to understand what depression is. I was hoping that by understanding the disease I would be able to help my friend, make him happy, and save him. This book by Anne Sheffield did make me understand what the disease is. And it saved me instead.
I would recommend this book to anyone who has a loved one who battles depression. Find yourself in this book.
Excellent support for those whose partner is depressed
Rating:4 out of 5 stars
In this book, author Anne Sheffield offers excellent support to those who are involved wiht someone who is struggling with depression. The best thing about this book is the way in which it both normalizes and validates the responses of the non-depressed partner, assuring the reader that they are not going crazy and that they are not alone in their feelings of frustration and confusion. Sheffield also provides plenty of helpful information and advice, including educational information about depression, strategies for persuading your partner to seek help, ideas on how to set limits with your partner, and guidelines for deciding whether to stay or leave.
I think that most people who are living with a depressed mate will find this book to be extremely helpful, but I did have a few minor criticisms. First of all, although this book was born out of the message boards that are a part of Sheffield’s Depression Fallout web site, I felt that she relied a bit too heavily on the anecdotal information posted by online users. Secondly, Sheffield also has a tendency to rely on anecdotal information from her own experiences (she grew up with a depressed mother, and she herself suffers from depression), which results in occasional overgeneralizations. For example, she emphasizes that ALL people who are depressed are angry–not necessarily the case. Similarly, she laughingly dismisses therapists who suggest to the non-depressed partner that the problem might lie in the relationship–isn’t it possible for someone to be depressed AND be legitimately unhappy with their relationship at the same time? Sheffield seems to say no. Finally, her overall attitude comes across as quite pessimistic, offering only brief glimpses of hope that perhaps the relationship can be saved.
Despite these issues, I definitely feel that this book is a worthwhile read, and as a psychologist, I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to any clients in this situation.
This book was a life saver
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
This book was a God send for me. For years, I had no idea what was wrong with me or why I was so miserable. I knew my husband was bipolar and/or depressed, but I had no idea what impact that had on my family or myself until I read her book. She described my life and what I was feeling perfectly. When I read her book I realized I was not alone, and that fallout has affected a lot of people all over this world. Like an addiction (drug, alcohol, gambling, etc), Depression is truly a family problem and can destroy it as well. If you are dealing with someone who has depression and it’s affecting you, I strongly suggest you read this book. It won’t fix your problems, but it will give you the tools & knowledge you need to turn your life around, and rebuild yourself (get back your self esteem, setting boundaries, being happy again, etc).
disappointed–not what I expected
Rating:2 out of 5 stars
While the author’s stages of depression that a couple goes through seemed to be pretty accurate, I was very disappointed by the overall tone of the book. It seemed to me that she basically advocated that the non-depressed partner leave in just about all situations.
I recently went through an injury which took over 3 months to heal, and during that time, my partner and I went through the stages as described. That’s why I was excited about getting this book for both of us to read, so that we could understand why I was depressed and why he was feeling the way he was feeling about our relationship. Instead, the book advocates eventually giving up on the relationship and getting out.
Needless to say, my partner didn’t need to read that! It didn’t really offer any advice about how to work your way back to what you had before the depression-causing event, so I’m giving this a big thumbs down.
Information Saved My Mind!!!
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
It’s been almost 8 years in a relationship with a depressed spouse and finally a breakthrough for what I go through daily as a supportive spouse. Many times I wanted to call it quits because of the confusion, resentment, anger and demorilization I felt being on the other end of the depressive cycle. Now I know millions who support face the same challenges and there are tools to cope or help to move on in life. Great information compiled from various points of view. This book literally saved my mind.
Depression Fallout Makes it Clear
Rating:5 out of 5 stars
Anne Sheffield has once again proven she’s an expert in the field of depression and the impact on those living within its’ clutches. Based on the website developed from her first book, How You Can Survive When They Are Depressed, this book describes the real-life trials and tribulations families suffer through. It offers practical ideas to cope and find happiness when relationships are strained by various manifestations of depression. She has pieced together stories and advice from the website, thus creating a masterpiece that offers hope and optimism. It’s an excellent resource for anyone living with a depressed family member.